Helping Teen Girls Thrive
December 13th 2024
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WellBeing Magazine
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Girls start out on a par with boys. But around adolescence, for many, their mental health takes a hit and begins to slide. In a 2023 survey by Planet Youth, 35 per cent of Year 10 girls rated their mental health “good” or “very good”, compared to 55 per cent of boys. The online survey – which included 27 schools within NSW and South Australia and more than 1700 participants – is one of many showing mounting evidence of a teen mental health gender divide. And it occurs in most countries, according to a 2021 study of 566,829 adolescents across 73 countries. Curiously, it’s worse in wealthier countries and those considered more gender equal.
Toxic culture
In the 1990s, author and clinical psychologist Dr Mary Pipher delved into the topic to understand the depression, anxiety, eating disorders, suicide attempts, cutting, substance abuse and other emanations of pain – in the girls she was seeing in her clinic. The bestselling book that resulted, Reviving Ophelia, blames our “girl-poisoning” culture. Sexist language, music, ads, TV and movies, sex abuse and porn are among its many manifestations. Society also promotes materialism, competition, perfectionism, sexism and obsession with physical appearance. Ultimately, it undermines girls’ confidence at a vulnerable stage of development and is literally toxic to their growth, values and wellbeing.
In Reviving Ophelia, Pipher writes: “They are coming of age in a more dangerous, sexualised and media-saturated culture. They face incredible pressures to be beautiful and sophisticated, which in junior high means using chemicals and being sexual.”
Her message remains relevant. Like parents today, those Pipher spoke to despaired. While trying far harder than their own parents, their daughters were more troubled. “They see their own families as dysfunctional,” she wrote. “Instead, I believe what we have is a dysfunctional culture.”
Digital dangers
Like many, parenting expert, author, speaker and former teacher Michelle Mitchell views the pervasive influence of tech as a major force undermining the mental health of adolescent girls. Their ever-attached smartphones and social media apps offer social connection, but also the omnipresence of bullying, peer pressure, sexism, social exclusion (like not being invited to the party) and other negatives. “It [tech] bleeds into every area of their life: their social relationships; their expectations around beauty,” Mitchell says. The author of Parenting Teenage Girls in the Age of a New Normal, Mitchell says unrealistic comparisons between them and what they see online creates limiting beliefs of themselves.
Unrealistic normals
When kids hit the teen years, identity and self-esteem centres around appearance, Mitchell says. “That’s nothing new. But technology has given them a new norm,” she says. The unrealistic, digitally enhanced beauty standards of today are something they can never measure up to and can be damaging to their self-esteem, their wholeness and personal development.
Today’s teen girls equate being beautiful with being sexy. “It’s not their fault,” Mitchell says. “That’s very much something they get from online.” And in their new normal, sex is more separate from committed relationships and values.
Sexual violence
A more disturbing common girlhood experience is sexual violence. Roughly one in three females in Australia experience childhood sexual abuse, according to 2023 data.
Peer-on-peer sexual assault and harassment is on the rise – ranging from sexting and pornographic images shared online to forced sex. A Sydney Morning Herald article (in August 2022), for example, described a doubling of sex offences at NSW schools reported to police over the past decade. Michael Flood, a professor of sociology at Queensland University of Technology, speaking on an ABC program (in May 2024), named hardcore online porn as the main influence. Nearly one in five young people have been sexually assaulted by another teen, according to the 2023 Australian Child Maltreatment Study. Academics blame this for rising mental health issues, drug use and self-harm.
Rising misogyny
New research by Stephanie Wescott and colleagues at Monash University indicates misogyny in schools has increased due to online influencers like Andrew Tate that promote patriarchal hegemony.
The female teachers interviewed by Westcott reported an escalation in misogynistic behaviour post COVID lockdown, coinciding with the growth in popularity of Tate. They described being patronised, belittled, sexually harassed, ordered about and threatened and witnessing female students subject to physical and verbal abuse, intimidation, silencing, gendered slurs and other insults from Tate-following boys. This has mobilised many schools to initiate measures to deal with the problem.
Unhelpful peers
During this turbulent time for girls, they tend to turn to peers (many who are similarly struggling) and distance parents. Peer acceptance becomes everything. “While peers can be satisfying and growth-producing, they can also be growth-destroying,” Pipher writes. She describes the scapegoating of girls who don’t conform to social standards: “girls are at risk of becoming the biggest enforcers and proselytisers of the culture.” Ranging from social ostracising to insults and belittling glances, the bullying of girls by other girls can be subtle yet brutal and hard to crack down on. Being the victim can dent mental health.
On the positive, with knowledge parents can be empowered to help girls thrive.
Repair self-worth
Help them build self-worth beyond peer acceptance and physical appearance. Parents can help girls reconnect to their true selves by encouraging their skills, interests and personal values. Convey belief in their ability to get through the storms. Stay calm. Be generous with praise, a great listener, patient with their moods. It’s a tough world. “It’s okay to have consequences for disrespectful behaviour, but it’s good to have a sense of humour and not ‘make a federal case’ out of cranky remarks,” Pipher writes. She says girls often provoke arguments to connect or distance parents. Mothers, who they trust most to still love them, are mostly on the receiving end. But involved, affectionate dads are integral to girls’ self-worth. Aunts and other older females can also be helpful confidants and encouragers.
Restore family closeness and support
In a 2022 article for The Telegraph, leading parenting expert Steve Biddulph reminds us that mental health is a family project. It’s being a loving, available parent, creating a safe and nurturing environment at home. But parenting within a society that’s increasingly stressed, rushed, online, lonely and removed from nature and community means we may need to make big changes to our lives.
Mitchell says research is clear: “Parents have the biggest influence in kids’ lives. And if parents are absent, culture becomes the biggest influence. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about who we are in our kids’ lives, showing up and being prepared to grow when you need to.” Connection is what’s most important. For every family, that’s going to look different, she says.
Build boundaries
Pipher found the most independent, socially responsible and confident teens had strict but loving parents.
Rules need to be clear, consistent and enforced. Parents also need to allow for individuality and some of the freedom teens naturally crave, Pipher explains. This balance – between security and freedom – is never easy, she admits, and mistakes can be costly.
While values and rules differ from family to family, Mitchell says there needs to be some non-negotiables in all families – like kids’ safety. For those times when you have to say no, try replacing it with something else. “It’s a gesture that you care how they feel. You’re juggling firm and kind all the time,” she says.
Conquer tech
Boundaries need to be particularly strong around tech. Families that severely curtail it have children that sleep better, talk, relax and play more, Biddulph writes.
To begin reducing tech’s influence, Mitchell suggests tech-free zones – bathrooms, bedrooms, mealtimes and family outings. “It’s finding places and spaces where there’s no tech in their life to show them they can survive without it,” she says. Lock devices up at night. Mitchell says kids are all too prone to sneak access to anything left out.
She recommends cleaning up teens’ newsfeeds at least once every school term. “Algorithms grab on to whatever mental state our kids are in. If they start searching for how to get a flat stomach, it’s going to give them more stuff around their appearance.” Get them to unfollow people, pages and ads that make them feel crap about themselves.
Talk tough stuff
Talk about drugs, alcohol, sex and other touchy stuff – not once, but often. Listen, find out what they know and discuss the issues. Instill values and educate them around the facts.
Parents need to be talking to their kids about sex way before high school, Mitchell says. “Their first sexual experiences are happening way earlier than parents think. Let them know that sex at the wrong time, at the wrong place and with the wrong person can actually be really hurtful. Those first sexual experiences are very important and form their concepts of trust and intimacy.”
The most recent National Survey of Australian Secondary Students and Sexual Health shows 43 per cent of year 10 students are sexually experienced (double that of students in 1992). Families need to teach kids there are rights and responsibilities that come with sex, Mitchell says. When they don’t have any real-life experience to pin it to, this can be tricky. A good time to educate them might be when they’re unpacking the experiences of their friends, she suggests.
Help them process emotions
Unable to comprehend and verbalise their experiences when they crash into our culture and are burned, teen girls often lash out in ways that seem incomprehensible. With so much going on, we need to teach them how to deal with big emotions without suppressing them or succumbing to unhealthy behaviours.
Mitchell suggests distracting activities. It can involve anything from drawing or cooking to playing with a pet. The rationale is that everything, including emotions, has a lifespan. “Our kids are not really good at recognising that yet,” she says.
Encourage them to observe and accept intense feelings. “If they can find an activity that lasts 20 minutes, it’s normally reached its peak, and they can get through the other side of it,” she says. Also helpful is reaching out for support (from the right people), journaling, talking it out and expressing themselves creatively.
Natural antidotes
Adolescent girls need new healthy rites of passage. Kate Greenham, program manager of Outdoor Explore at MYST (Mountains Youth Services Team) says nature adventures offer teens a safe way to direct risk-taking behaviours, experience the connection they long for and explore self-discovery.
Greenham recently collaborated in the Adventure Therapy Outcome Monitoring study with Will Dobud of Charles Sturt University. It found the eight-week Outdoor Explore program improved mental health better than psychotherapy.
Time in nature can counteract digital media, Greenham says. Evidence shows people with high nature connection have better mental health. “Nature soothes stress and can boost mood,” she says. It also gives kids opportunities to be kind, build social skills, manage emotions and connect to wildlife, friends and family.
She says to focus on the “stretch zone” – activities that are new, absorbing and challenging but not overwhelming and stressful – and give guidance in slow increments, plus time and practise to build their skills.
Nature adventures can range from those in your backyard to international trips, and from stargazing, bird watching and bush art to cycling, swimming and camping. “Let there be time,” she says. “Focus on the journey, not the destination.”
Plan play
Such unstructured play offers teens a way to regulate their emotions, Mitchell says. “So often, when kids hit these teenage years, their life becomes very scheduled and structured.”
Free play is self-directed and has no goal. For teens, it may include creative or physical activities such as drawing, reading, music, hanging at the beach or chucking a Frisbee. And it’s often key to discovering one’s passion.
Girl power
We badly need social change to help both girls and boys; to hold to account the pornography industry, social media corporations and so forth, and safe spaces for teens to be in.
Mitchell wants girls to recognise their own power and take responsibility for being their best selves. They need the ability to stand up for and assert themselves, to know their rights and push back with truth. Sometimes, she says, this means pushing back internally with knowing who they are. Sometimes it’s naming it inside, being honest about what’s going on, then choosing how to respond.
To encourage girl power, Mitchell gets parents to let their daughter spend time being in charge, expressing her opinion. “It’s keeping our kids connected to their voice, so they don’t lose their ability to stand up for themselves outside of home.” Sometimes sass is needed in life, she says. When a boy asks them to send a nude, “if they say ‘no’ in the same way they would say no to their mum if she asked them to clean their room, they’ll be just fine,” she says.
Biddulph believes girls need to connect to feminism. “In fact, we need to ramp it up to meet a whole new slew of problems girls are having,” he wrote in 2017, in The Sydney Morning Herald. “If your daughter learns that she is part of something big and inspiring, it will help her.”
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