The Secret Burden of Motherhood

August 24th 2026
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WellBeing Magazine
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In my work as a clinical psychologist, I’ve heard this whispered confession countless times. Mothers speak the words only when they feel utterly safe: “I keep seeing something awful happening to my baby.” These mothers are usually tearful, convinced these thoughts mean something dark about who they are.

But here’s what I tell them: intrusive thoughts are not a sign of danger. They’re a sign of love mixed with fear. It’s the brain’s overzealous attempt to protect what matters most.
What few mothers realise is how common these thoughts are. Research shows that between 70 and 100 per cent of new mothers experience unwanted intrusive thoughts about their baby being hurt. These range from unintended accidents to fleeting images of intentionally harming their baby. Intrusive thoughts in the postpartum period can also include sexual, religious or taboo imagery, and fears of contamination or making an irreversible mistake.

The content varies, but the emotional impact can be devastating for parents who are confused and terrified by their own thoughts. These thoughts are so upsetting that they’re rarely shared. When a mother has one of these thoughts and believes she’s the only one thinking like this, shame rushes in. I always assure parents these thoughts are common and reframe them as the mind’s clumsy way of scanning for danger in a world that suddenly feels full of risk.

Your brain is trying to protect your baby

Recent neuroscience helps explain what’s behind these unwelcome thoughts. A 2025 study in Science Advances led by Dr René Schweizer used neuroimaging to examine the brains of new mothers experiencing intrusive thoughts. The research found heightened activity in the amygdala — the brain’s threat-detection centre — in caregiving networks that remain on high alert after childbirth. The circuits in this part of the brain evolved to keep infants safe; they are not signs of intent to harm.

In other words, the same brain regions that make a parent leap from bed at the sound of a baby’s cry can also produce flashes of imagined harm. The content can be shocking, but the underlying process is protective vigilance, not pathology.

International perinatal mental health expert Karen Kleiman, founder of the Postpartum Stress Center and author of Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts, has been instrumental in normalising this experience. Her message is simple and radical: scary thoughts don’t make you a bad mother, they make you a human one. When mothers realise they are not alone, the fear begins to loosen its grip.

Intolerance of uncertainty

So why are these thoughts so common in new motherhood? The answer lies partly in biology and partly in psychology. New parenthood is a perfect storm for anxiety: sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, identity upheaval and total responsibility for another human life. It’s no wonder the mind is scanning constantly to check for danger. The stakes have never been higher.

But there’s another factor that magnifies these thoughts: intolerance of uncertainty. This isn’t perfectionism — it’s the discomfort we feel when we can’t know or control outcomes, a cognitive tendency to react strongly to not knowing what will happen next. And nothing is less predictable than a newborn.

Research shows that intolerance of uncertainty is a major driver of anxiety and obsessive thinking. When we can’t tolerate uncertainty, our brains fill in the blanks with catastrophic “what ifs”. This mechanism has been identified across anxiety and OCD disorders, but it is particularly relevant in new parenthood, where uncertainty is constant and the consequences feel profound.

Hypervigilant mothers

I remember seeing Emma, a first-time mother who had stopped breastfeeding in bed after a single image of smothering her baby flashed through her mind. She wasn’t a perfectionist, but she was terrified of the uncertainties that go hand-in-hand with motherhood. “What if I fell asleep? What if I didn’t notice?” She was distressed by these thoughts and the only way she knew to control the situation was to stop feeding in bed. Once she understood that these thoughts were her anxious brain’s way of trying to find certainty, she was able to let them come and go without assigning them meaning.

Many mothers describe this sort of hypervigilance. They’re constantly scanning for danger and mentally rehearsing every possible outcome. Ironically, this vigilance is not helpful for their mental health. The harder a mother tries to anticipate risk, the more anxious they will feel. We know that anxiety feeds on uncertainty, so the more we seek total safety, the less safe we feel.

Leah, another mother I worked with, found herself replaying imagined mental reels of car accidents every time she drove with her toddler. She started avoiding the car altogether. For her, the fear wasn’t just about the crash, it was the intolerable idea that she couldn’t control every variable. Once she recognised the thoughts as uncertainty in disguise, she began to notice them, breathe through them and keep driving. Over time, her brain learned safety through experience, not avoidance.

A perfect storm

Exhaustion plays a profound role in perinatal mental health. Sleep deprivation blurs the line between thoughts and fears, and reality. A brain that is starved of rest becomes more reactive, less rational and more prone to catastrophic thinking. Add to that the identity transformation of becoming a mother — including the shift from autonomy to round-the-clock vigilance — and the mind’s threshold for coping with anxiety narrows dramatically.

These conditions set the stage for intrusive thoughts to appear. They are not symptoms of weakness, but signs of a mind stretched to capacity, trying desperately to keep its most precious
cargo safe.

For some mothers, the path to peace begins when they can find small moments of perspective. Maya, an artist, began sketching the images that frightened her most. She drew the baby slipping underwater at bath time and the drop at the top of the stairs. “Once I drew them, they lost their power,” she told me. By turning fear into form, she discovered what therapy teaches: when you stop fighting a thought, it shrinks.

When intrusive thoughts turn into OCD

While intrusive thoughts are almost universal, a small proportion of mothers experience something more persistent and distressing and can be diagnosed with perinatal OCD. The critical difference is not in the thought itself, but in the reaction to it.

In typical intrusive thoughts, the images are fleeting and unwanted. They don’t drive behaviour and the mother recognises them as meaningless. In perinatal OCD, those same thoughts become obsessions. They’re repetitive, sticky, distressing and time-consuming, accompanied by compulsions including repeated checking, cleaning or avoiding uncertain situations — all attempts to neutralise perceived danger.

Between three and 17 per cent of new mothers develop perinatal OCD, compared with the 70 to 100 per cent who experience intrusive thoughts. Knowing this difference can bring enormous relief. The thought itself doesn’t make someone unsafe or “crazy” — it’s how the thought is interpreted and managed that determines its impact.

These thoughts shall pass

For most mothers, intrusive thoughts are harmless mental noise that fade with rest, self-compassion and a better understanding of uncertainty. Helpful strategies include gently naming the thought, even saying, “That was just an intrusive thought.” Avoiding over-analysis and practising mindfulness is helpful: notice the thought, let it pass and return to the present. Over time, this ability to observe thoughts without judgement helps the brain re-learn its sense of safety.

Motherhood is a time of radical transformation. The body, identity and brain are all re-wired with a renewed focus on protection and connection. Intrusive thoughts are one by-product of that transformation, not a flaw in it.

Every time a mother learns that these thoughts are normal and transient, she chips away at collective shame. Every time she chooses curiosity over fear, she can reclaim her peace.
I want new mothers to know this: you are not broken, you are becoming. You are not the only one whose brain is working like this. And your thoughts, even the frightening ones, do not define the love you live every day.

This article is featured in WellBeing Magazine 223