October 5th 2026
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WellBeing Magazine
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Love. What a wonderful word.
It can bring a smile to your lips, a mistiness to your eyes and make your heart skip a beat. It can bring a tear when you reminisce about someone you have loved and lost, or a sharp ache when you remember a relationship that caused you pain.
One little word can carry so much joy and so much sorrow.
At its best, love gives us some of life’s most precious memories: holding hands, soft kisses, shared dinners, family gatherings, smiling children, holidays, laughter and the simple comfort of knowing someone is there.
Think about the grandmother playing a game with her granddaughter. The moment a parent first holds their newborn baby. The first kiss with someone special. Looking across a room and seeing the person you have built a life with. These moments stay with us.
Love can give us joy, laughter, growth and experiences. It can encourage us to move forward, to build, to care and to become better versions of ourselves. It is about giving and receiving, sharing and supporting one another.
But love also has another side. There is love lost. There is grief. There is the heartbreak of holding someone’s hand as they quietly slip away. There are relationships where two people tried desperately to build a life together, but it simply didn’t work.
And then there are relationships where pain becomes the norm. Endless arguments. Betrayal. Manipulation. Selfishness. Neglect. Fear. Control. And sometimes, violence. So, when is love not love?
When pain becomes the pattern
Perhaps one way of looking at it is this – Love should not require you to continually sacrifice your safety, dignity, wellbeing or sense of self.
A relationship can go through difficult periods. People disagree. Families experience stress. Partners make mistakes. Life can be incredibly challenging. But there is a difference between experiencing difficulties together and living in a continual cycle of hurt.
Someone may cheat on their partner and then return with the words, “But I love you.” But love and betrayal are not made compatible simply because the word “love” is spoken afterwards. Someone may repeatedly hurt their partner, apologise and promise that things will change, only for the same behaviour to happen again.
Someone may say they love you while controlling who you see, where you go or what you do. Someone may say they love you while constantly criticising, humiliating or frightening you. And sometimes people remain in these situations because they genuinely believe that love means enduring whatever happens. It doesn’t.
What do children learn from what they see?
One of the saddest aspects of unhealthy relationships is the effect they can have on children. Imagine a home where parents argue every day about money, work, health, responsibilities or anything else that happens to be causing stress.
The children are listening. They are watching. They are learning.
Children often learn what relationships look like by observing the adults around them. If conflict, shouting, disrespect or fear becomes normal, they may grow up believing that this is simply what love and relationships are supposed to be.
That doesn’t mean every disagreement damages a child. Healthy families disagree too.
The difference is how those disagreements are handled. Respect matters. Communication matters. Boundaries matter. Repair matters. And above all, safety matters.
Sometimes not loving someone means letting go
There are also situations where love becomes confused with obligation. Consider the adult child who becomes so busy with work, family and everyday life that visiting an ageing parent keeps getting postponed.
“I’ll go next month.”
“I’m just too busy at the moment.”
“Dad will be okay.”
And then, unexpectedly, there is a phone call. A stroke. An accident. An illness. A death.
Suddenly there are tears, regret and the painful realisation that there will be no next time.
This isn’t about living with guilt. None of us can know what tomorrow will bring, and nobody can be everywhere for everyone.
But perhaps it is a reminder to ask ourselves – who do I keep putting off? Who needs a phone call? Who needs an hour of my time? When was the last time I simply stopped and shared a cup of tea, a conversation or a smile with someone I love? Life can become so busy that we forget that our relationships need our attention too.
Love needs boundaries
There is another side to this conversation that is equally important. Sometimes loving someone means saying no. It can mean refusing to accept abuse. It can mean stepping away from manipulation. It can mean refusing to participate in endless conflict. It can mean saying, “I love you, but I cannot continue to be treated this way.”
That isn’t necessarily selfish. It can be a healthy boundary. A boundary is not about controlling another person. It is about recognising what you can and cannot accept, and deciding what you will do to protect your own wellbeing.
For someone who has spent years putting everyone else first, establishing boundaries can feel frightening. For someone who has experienced anxiety, depression, emotional abuse or a difficult relationship, it can feel almost impossible.
And that’s where support can matter.
When should you stop calling something love?
There is no single formula that can define every relationship. Relationships are complicated. People make mistakes. People can change. Difficult circumstances can put enormous pressure on families and couples. But it is worth paying attention when the same patterns continue and your relationship consistently leaves you feeling afraid, diminished, controlled, exhausted or deeply unhappy.
Ask yourself:
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- Do I feel safe in this relationship?
- Can I express my feelings without fear?
- Are my boundaries respected?
- Is there mutual respect?
- Can we disagree without cruelty or intimidation?
- Do I feel that I can still be myself?
- Am I constantly making excuses for behaviour that hurts me?
- Am I staying because I genuinely want to, or because I am afraid of what will happen if I leave?
- What example is this relationship showing my children?
- Have I become so focused on keeping the peace that I have lost myself
These questions aren’t about judging someone else’s relationship. They are about listening to your own experience.
Choosing love can sometimes mean choosing yourself
Walking away from an unhealthy relationship is rarely easy. There may be grief. There may be fear. There may be financial concerns, family complications, loneliness or uncertainty about the future. There may even be moments when you question whether you have made the right decision.
Closing a door can hurt enormously. But sometimes closing one door creates the space to open another. A healthier relationship. A healthier relationship with your children. A healthier relationship with your family. Or perhaps, most importantly, a healthier relationship with yourself. If you are struggling with unhealthy boundaries, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties or the effects of prolonged stress, you don’t have to work through everything alone.
Support is available
At Stressfree Management® we understand that wellbeing is about more than simply treating one problem in isolation. Our approach brings together support for the mind, body, emotions and overall wellbeing, with services and techniques designed to help people navigate life’s challenges. We support people experiencing stress, anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties and challenges around healthy boundaries, alongside a range of counselling, physical, spiritual and wellness approaches.
Sometimes the first step isn’t knowing exactly what you need. Sometimes it is simply having a safe place to talk, reflect and begin understanding what is happening in your life. If you have been asking yourself whether what you are experiencing is really love, whether your boundaries are healthy, or whether it is time to make a change, consider reaching out to someone with the experience to pull you out of your dilemma.
You don’t have to have all the answers before you ask for support. Contact info@stressfreehealthmanagement.com today to find out how we can support you on your journey towards healthier boundaries, greater wellbeing and a more balanced life.
Because love should not require you to lose yourself.
And sometimes, choosing love begins with learning to love, respect and protect yourself also.
The post When is Love Not Love appeared first on WellBeing Magazine.
Read the full article here:
https://www.wellbeing.com.au/kinship/relationships/when-is-love-not-love.html
